Learning how to navigate conflict in your relationship is challenging, especially when it comes to addressing hurt feelings. Have you ever tried talking to your partner about something they said or did that hurt you, only for it to end in an argument? Or maybe, despite your best intentions, your partner still feels upset with you? If either of these situations sounds familiar, you’re not alone! Many couples find themselves stuck in a cycle of hurt, frustration, and defensiveness. But why does this happen?
It’s human nature to want the person who hurt us to understand why their actions caused us pain. On the flip side, when we hurt someone (often unintentionally), our instinct is to explain that we didn’t mean to cause harm. This is why conversations about hurt feelings often follow a predictable pattern and one of the reasons that learning to navigate conflict in your relationship can be such a challenge:
Harper (hurt partner): “I can’t believe you did that!”
Davis (defending partner): “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to hurt you!”
Harper: “That’s the problem—you never mean to!”
Davis: “That’s not fair! You only notice when I mess up!”
At this point, both partners feel misunderstood. Harper feels that Davis isn’t acknowledging the pain, while Davis feels unfairly criticized, like their intentions don’t matter. These types of conversations can lead to emotional distance, resentment, and more hurt over time. Can you see how this contributes to the challenge in being able to navigate conflict in your relationship?
Why We Get Stuck in These Cycles: Learn to Navigate Conflict in Your Relationship
When couples fall into this cycle, both partners often have strong ideas about what they wish the other person would do. Harper wishes Davis would apologize more sincerely, and Davis wishes Harper would let go of their mistakes more easily. The problem is, we can’t control how our partner reacts. This leaves both people feeling stuck and hopeless when it comes to resolving the hurts in their relationship.
Shifting the Focus: A Path to Healing and Navigating Conflict
The good news? There is hope! The key to breaking this cycle is for both partners to stop focusing on what they wish the other would do and instead, make small changes in their own behavior. Both people play a role in the dynamic, and by taking responsibility for their part, couples can work together to heal.
Suggestions for the Hurt Partner (Harper)
First, it’s okay to feel hurt. Just like physical pain alerts us to injury, emotional pain lets us know when something isn’t right in our relationship. But, just as we can sometimes tense up and cause more physical pain, we can also develop emotional defenses that make things worse. To avoid this, remind yourself of the positive aspects of your partner.
Before addressing the hurt, reflect on why you’re feeling this way and acknowledge the good things your partner has done. Then, open the door to healing with a conversation like this:
Harper: “Our relationship means a lot to me, and I know it’s important to you too. I felt hurt when you did [insert action]. I’d like to explain why it hurt me and hear your perspective as well.”
If your partner becomes defensive or offers a quick apology, resist the urge to either keep pushing or withdraw emotionally. Instead, acknowledge their apology and express what you really need:
Harper: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, and I appreciate your apology. I’m not trying to blame you, but I just need to feel like you understand why I’m upset so we can feel close again.”
Suggestions for the Defending Partner (Davis)
Start by noticing how you respond when you feel blamed. Do you get defensive? Avoid the conversation? Remind yourself that your partner is bringing this up because the relationship matters to them. Once you acknowledge this, try to respond with openness:
Davis: “I can see you’re really hurt, and our relationship is important to me too. I want to understand how I hurt you and make it right. I also want to share my perspective.”
If you find it difficult to say that right away, it’s okay. Being under emotional stress can make it hard to see the other person’s point of view. Take a moment to calm down if needed:
Davis: “I’m feeling defensive, and I know that won’t help us. I need to take a break to calm down so we can talk through this.”
Once you’re ready, focus on listening to understand rather than defend. Acknowledge your partner’s hurt and any role you may have played in it, even if unintentional:
Davis: “I understand why you felt hurt when I said [insert action]. It was careless of me. How can I make it up to you?”
After understanding each other’s perspectives, work together to find ways to heal the hurt and prevent similar issues in the future.
Conclusion
Don’t expect to master these conversations overnight. Most of us didn’t grow up with healthy models for resolving conflict. Some of us had parents who avoided conflict entirely, while others saw lots of unresolved tension. TV and movies don’t help either—real, meaningful conversations about feelings are too “boring” for entertainment.
It takes practice and patience to have these kinds of talks, and it’s essential to build a sense of safety in your relationship. If you’re struggling, working with a therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy can help you navigate these conversations and create lasting change in your relationship.
Breaking free from the cycle of conflict in a relationship can feel challenging, but you don’t have to navigate it alone. Couples therapy offers a safe space to understand each other more deeply, work through pain points, and build healthier communication habits. Deborah Hubble Smith MC, RCT specializes in working with couples using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. With her guidance, you’ll gain the tools to break down defensiveness, foster empathy, and strengthen your bond. If you’re ready to move past frustration and start a new chapter together, consider booking a new client call with Deborah today and take the first step towards a more connected, fulfilling relationship.