The Science Behind Emotional Regulation: Mirror Neurons and How They Shape Our Parenting

When we think about emotional regulation and parenting, we often focus on ourselves as individuals—how we process our emotions, how we cope with stress, or how we handle difficult situations. But what if I told you that emotional regulation in parenting isn’t just about managing your own emotions? In fact, your ability to regulate emotions may have a profound impact on others—especially your child.

One fascinating aspect of emotional regulation lies in the science of mirror neurons, a discovery that sheds light on how emotions are shared and reflected between people, including between parents and children. In this post, we’ll dive into the science behind mirror neurons and explore how they play a critical role in both your emotional well-being and your ability to help your child regulate their emotions.

What Are Mirror Neurons?

Mirror neurons are a type of brain cell that fire not only when you perform an action but also when you observe someone else performing the same action. The concept was first discovered in the early 1990s by researchers studying the brain activity of monkeys. They found that certain neurons fired when the monkeys performed tasks like reaching for food, but interestingly, the same neurons fired when the monkeys simply observed a human performing those tasks.

This wasn’t just true for physical actions—it also applied to emotional responses. In other words, when we witness someone else’s emotional experience—whether it’s joy, sadness, anger, or excitement—our brain fires in a similar way, as though we’re experiencing the emotion ourselves. This mirroring process is how we empathize with others, allowing us to feel and understand their emotional states.

In the context of parenting, mirror neurons play a vital role in how we relate to our children’s emotional experiences. When your child is upset, for example, your brain mirrors their distress, and you may begin to feel anxious, sad, or even frustrated, even if you’re not directly involved in the situation.

Emotional Co-Regulation: A Two-Way Street

You’ve likely experienced a time when your child was upset, and their emotional state triggered something inside of you. Maybe it was their anger, their sadness, or their frustration that set off your own emotions. You may have even found yourself getting angry or upset in response to their feelings, which can complicate the situation further.

This is where the concept of emotional co-regulation comes into play. Co-regulation refers to the process of one person helping another regulate their emotions, and in the case of parents and children, it’s an essential part of emotional development. Our mirror neurons create an emotional connection between us and our children, and that connection is both a gift and a challenge.

When your child is in distress, your brain can mirror their emotional state, leading to an emotional reaction of your own. However, if you’re not aware of your emotional triggers and don’t know how to regulate your emotions, you may inadvertently add to the intensity of the situation. For example, if your child is angry, and you respond with anger or frustration, the emotional tension can escalate, making it more difficult for either of you to calm down.

On the other hand, when you manage your emotions effectively, you create a stabilizing presence for your child. This doesn’t mean suppressing or ignoring your feelings, but rather recognizing them, processing them, and responding in a calm and constructive way. Your ability to stay grounded and regulated helps your child feel safe enough to regulate their emotions as well.

Think of emotional regulation as a sort of “emotional dance” between you and your child. If you stay calm, your child can mirror that calmness and begin to settle themselves. If you become overwhelmed or dysregulated, your child may mirror that emotional chaos, further disrupting their ability to regulate. It’s a delicate balance, but it’s also a powerful opportunity for growth and connection.

The Impact of Emotional Dysregulation on Children

Here’s where the science of mirror neurons becomes even more compelling: If parents struggle with emotional regulation, their children are more likely to mirror that dysregulation. When a child sees their parent becoming angry or overwhelmed, they may internalize that emotional response, not knowing how to cope with it in a healthy way.

This isn’t to say that parents who struggle with emotional regulation are “bad” or “failing” in any way. It’s simply a reflection of the complex relationship between a parent’s emotional state and a child’s emotional development. When parents struggle to manage their feelings—whether it’s frustration, sadness, or anger—the emotional environment becomes charged, which makes it harder for children to learn how to regulate their own emotions.

The consequences of this emotional dysregulation can be long-lasting. Children who grow up in emotionally volatile environments may struggle with anxiety, difficulty managing their feelings, or even challenges with forming healthy relationships later in life. In contrast, children who experience a stable, regulated emotional environment tend to develop more effective coping skills and emotional resilience.

How Mirror Neurons Impact Your Parenting Style

Understanding the role of mirror neurons can offer new insights into your parenting style. If you’re a parent who tends to become easily overwhelmed or anxious when your child is upset, recognizing the role of mirror neurons can be an eye-opening experience. It’s not that you don’t care about your child’s emotions—it’s that your brain is literally mirroring their emotional state, which can be a challenge to navigate without the right tools.

Here are a few ways you can apply the science of mirror neurons to improve your emotional regulation as a parent:

1. Increase Self-Awareness:

The first step in emotional regulation is recognizing what’s happening inside of you. When your child is upset, pay attention to how you’re feeling. Are you anxious, frustrated, sad, or angry? What sensations are you experiencing in your body? Simply becoming aware of your emotions can help you regulate them more effectively.

2. Practice Calming Techniques:

Once you’re aware of your emotions, practice techniques that can help you calm down, such as deep breathing, grounding exercises, or mindfulness. These tools can help you remain centered, which in turn, creates a calm environment for your child to learn from.

3. Respond with Empathy:

Rather than mirroring your child’s emotional outburst, try responding with empathy and validation. You might say, “I can see that you’re upset right now, and that’s okay. Let’s take a deep breath together,” or, “I understand you’re frustrated. I’m here to help you through it.”

By regulating your own emotional state and responding with empathy, you teach your child the valuable skill of emotional self-regulation.

4. Model Healthy Emotional Expression:

It’s important to show your child that emotions are natural and okay to feel. The key is to express emotions in healthy, regulated ways. If you feel anger or frustration, acknowledge it calmly and explain how you’re handling it. This sets a positive example for your child to follow.

Conclusion: The Power of Emotional Regulation in Parenting

Understanding the science of mirror neurons and emotional co-regulation can help you make better sense of yourself and your reactions as a parent. By recognizing how your emotional responses affect your child’s emotional state, you can work towards creating a more stable and emotionally supportive environment, rather than beating yourself up in moments when you feel triggered. When you regulate your emotions, you not only feel better but also help your child learn how to manage their emotions in a healthy, constructive way.

Parenting isn’t just about managing your child’s emotions—it’s about learning to manage your own. By embracing the science behind emotional regulation, you can create deeper emotional connections with your child and equip them with the tools they need to navigate their own feelings throughout life. If you’d like some support learning how to better manage your reactions (most of use were never taught how to do this well in Childhood), Dr. Kayfitz specializes in working with adults and parents and is currently accepting new clients.  You can book your first apppointment with him at the link below.