How Do I Know If My Relationship Is Over?

Understanding Ambivalence Through the Lens of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)

One of the most complicated and most painful questions many people quietly carry is: “How do I know if my relationship is over?”

Maybe the spark has faded. You’re more like co-parents or roommates than partners. Or maybe there’s still love—but the resentment or distance is so thick you barely know how to reach each other anymore.

You’ve tried to talk about it. You’ve stayed for the kids. You’ve hoped things would shift.

But deep down, you’re wondering if the relationship is over and you’re just holding on by habit.

If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Many people who walk through our doors are navigating this very crossroads. It’s not uncommon in long term relationships to wonder if the relationship is over, especially in the midst of challenging life circumstances, mental exhaustion and emotional disconnection.

This blog post is here to help you make sense of what you’re feeling, explore the deeper patterns that might be at play, and learn how Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can support clarity—whether that means reconnecting or finding peace in letting go.

Why This Question Feels So Heavy

Relationships are more than partnerships—they’re deeply tied to our identity, our sense of security, and our role as parents. When your relationship feels unstable, it’s common to feel:

Exhausted from trying to make it work

Guilty for thinking about leaving

Afraid of what it would mean for your children

Unsure whether you’re just “giving up too soon.”

These thoughts can be isolating. But they’re not signs that something’s wrong with you—they’re signs you care deeply and are searching for what’s best, not just for yourself, but for your family.

What Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) Helps Us Understand

Emotionally Focused Therapy is a powerful, research-backed approach to couples therapy that helps partners understand the emotional bond beneath their struggles.

Instead of focusing just on who’s right or wrong, EFT looks at:

–What each partner is feeling deep down (fear, loneliness, rejection)

–The cycle you get stuck in when you try to reach each other, but it keeps going sideways

-How to rebuild safety and trust so that you can be vulnerable again

From an EFT perspective, the real question isn’t “Should I stay or go?” but:

“Are we still emotionally reachable—and if not, can we learn to be?”

Signs You Might Be at a Crossroads

These aren’t definitive answers, but they are common experiences that often lead people to seek support.

1. You feel more like roommates than partners.

The emotional connection is flat. You co-manage life but don’t share it deeply anymore.

2. You keep having the same argument—or none at all.

Whether it’s loud fights or silent disconnection, it feels like nothing changes.

3. You feel invisible or emotionally unsafe.

You don’t feel like your needs matter—or that you can even express them safely.

4. You’ve imagined life without your partner… and felt relief.

Not just a fleeting thought but a vision that brings peace instead of panic.

5. You’re emotionally burned out.

You’ve read the books, tried to talk, gone to counseling—or your partner refuses to go. You feel like you’re the only one carrying the weight.

6. You still care—but you don’t know if you can go on like this.

You want to want this relationship. But you’re also afraid of waking up in the same stuck place five years from now.

The Pattern Beneath the Pain

In EFT, we often see couples stuck in a negative cycle that looks like this:

One partner feels disconnected and reaches out (sometimes with criticism or anger)

The other feels attacked and pulls away (often shutting down or going quiet)

The first partner feels more abandoned, and the cycle continues

This negative cycle doesn’t mean your relationship is beyond repair. It means your emotional bond is in distress, and both of you are protecting yourselves the only way you know how.

The good news? These patterns can change—with support.

Reflection Questions to Consider

If you’re asking yourself, “Is it over?” try asking these too:

Can I still feel something—hurt, hope, frustration? (Apathy is often more concerning than anger.)

Have we ever had support to get underneath the surface-level conflict?

Do I still want to want this relationship?

Do I feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable with my partner?

Have I clarified what I need—not just from them, but for myself?

You don’t have to have all the answers. But these questions can start to shift the way you see the situation.

What If My Partner Won’t Go to Therapy?

It’s common for one partner to feel like they’re carrying the emotional weight alone. If your partner is hesitant, there are still options:

Start individual therapy to explore your own clarity and emotional needs.

Consider self-help books, podcasts or other supports you can explore together until both of you feel ready for therapy.

Ask them to consider a new client call to see if they feel comfortable with the therapist-this may increase their confidence in attending counselling sessions.

EFT Can Help You Reconnect—or Find Clarity

Emotionally Focused Therapy doesn’t push you to stay or go. It helps you get clear.

It helps couples:

Understand the deeper needs beneath conflict or silence

Rebuild emotional trust and connection

Or make a respectful decision to separate with care, especially when kids are involved

Whether you want to repair your bond or gain peace of mind about moving on, you don’t have to do it alone.

If this post speaks to what you’ve been carrying, we want you to know—you are not alone, and you are not failing. You don’t need to know your answer yet; you need a safe place to ask the questions.

Deborah Hubble Smith, MA, RCT, is a Registered Counselling Therapist at Bedford Couple & Family Therapy, working with couples and individuals navigating these challenging crossroads. With specialized training in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFCT) Deborah offers a compassionate, nonjudgmental space where you can begin to untangle your confusion and move toward clarity.