Adult Self-Regulation: The Foundation of Emotionally Healthy Parenting

Our own adult emotion self-regulation in the context of parenting is both deeply personal and incredibly practical as a topic.  As parents, we often focus on helping our children navigate their big emotions—supporting them through tantrums, tears, frustration, or anxiety. But what we sometimes miss is that our ability to help our children is directly connected to how we manage our own emotional world. Self-regulation of our emotions is not just a parenting “nice-to-have”—it’s a core parenting skill. How we respond under stress, how we deal with overwhelm, and how we stay grounded (or don’t) all send powerful messages to our children about how to handle their own emotional experiences.

 What exactly does adult emotion self-regulation mean?

Emotional self-regulation refers to your ability to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, especially in moments of stress, challenge, or strong emotion. It means being able to pause, reflect, and respond intentionally—rather than reacting impulsively or emotionally in ways that might be unhelpful or misaligned with your values.

In simple terms, it’s the skill of staying calm and grounded even when things feel overwhelming—and it plays a vital role in healthy relationships, decision-making, parenting, and overall mental well-being.

Why does adult emotion self-regulation matter?

Multiple literature reviews confirm a clear link between parental self-regulation and children’s emotional outcomes. One such review looked at findings from 53 studies and found that parents with better emotion regulation skills were significantly more likely to use warm, positive parenting behaviors  and less likely to engage in negative parenting.

When parents manage their emotions well, children tend to develop their own emotional regulation skills  and exhibit fewer internalizing symptoms like anxiety or sadness. This research highlights what many parents know intuitively: that we’re the emotional models for our kids.

Tuning into Yourself: Mindfulness in Parenting

What It Looks Like

When your child is having an emotional moment—perhaps tears, anger, or anxiety—take a moment to look inward. Ask:

• What am I feeling right now:name the emotion

• Where in my body do I notice sensations connected to this emotion

For instance, I notice anger bubbling in my head when my son acts willful. With my daughter, who often feels deeply, sadness rises in my chest. These emotional reactions are rooted in our personal experiences; awareness is the first step toward choosing a different response.  Noticing our own reactions allows to take a moment to meet our own emotional needs so we can then move into parenting in a more regulated way. 

For Parents to Center Themselves

Once you’ve noticed, named and felt the emotion in your body, give yourself a moment to reset your own nervous system. You might try one of these 2 strategies or any others you have developed to feel more present and grounded in your body.

• Grounding: Take calming breaths. You could try a 4 second breath in and a long slow exhale to the count of 8 seconds. Alternatively you could experiment with  what is know as the ‘physiological sigh‘ which consists of one big inhale, followed by another inhale (with no exhale in between!), to maximally inflate your lungs. Then exhale all your air until you are lungs-empty, via your mouth.

• Engage your senses: What can you see, smell, touch, taste and hear in your environment.  Take a moment to notice and name these things as a way of helping to regulate your nervous system

Everyday Awareness: Modeling Regulation Beyond Parenting Moments

When we think about parenting, it’s easy to focus only on the moments we’re directly interacting with our children—comforting them during a meltdown, setting boundaries, or teaching them how to name their feelings. But our children are learning from us all the time, not just during designated “parenting” moments.

One of the most powerful ways to support your child’s emotional development is by paying attention to how you handle your own emotions in everyday life. As a result of mirror neurons, discussed in the previous post, children are impacted by  not just what we say, but how they see us react to stress, disappointment, conflict, or even joy  in our own lives. The more able we are to self-regulate and know how to work outselves through our own emotions, the better able we are to help our kids with theirs. 

The Ripple Effect of Self-Regulation

When parents cultivate self-awareness and emotion regulation skills, it doesn’t just transform us, it changes how we parent. Our own ability to regulate our emotions and to model this for our children helps them to develop healthier emotional habits, resilience, and empathy. 

Practical steps to begin today:

1. Start with awareness—notice your own emotions and physical signs in your body to build awareness within yourself.

2. Practice building your own strategies to effectively regulate your emotional responses and apply these strategies in all aspects of your life.

   Parenting is a journey of growth—for both child and parent.  Many adults were never taught how to regulate their own emotions and this can make parenting especially challenging. If you’re finding it difficult to manage your own emotional reactions—or you’re noticing patterns you want to shift—I’m here to help.

   Working with a therapist can give you the tools, insight, and support to better understand yourself and show up more intentionally for your child. Whether you’re navigating parenting stress, emotional overwhelm, or just want to strengthen your connection with your family, therapy is a powerful first step.