Marriage & Couples Counselling

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Couples Counselling  & Marriage Therapy

Just a few years ago, the idea of couples counseling probably felt irrelevant, maybe even unimaginable. You and your partner were so close, so connected, that the thought of struggling in your relationship seemed impossible. But here you are, feeling anger, hurt, and confusion about how things got this way.

In the beginning, everything felt effortless—like your partner could do no wrong. The quirks were endearing, and any disagreements seemed minor. Fast forward to now, and maybe it’s little things, like the way they leave dirty dishes in the sink or habits that once felt charming, now driving you up the wall. Or perhaps it’s bigger issues—hurt feelings, lack of understanding, or deeper disconnections that seem to grow with each passing argument.

The reality is, no relationship stays in the honeymoon phase. That initial rush fades after about a year, leaving us with the true work of a relationship: compromise, communication, and commitment to growing together. Real life brings responsibilities, routines, and sometimes stressors that test even the strongest bonds. This is where many couples start to realize that love isn’t just about passion; it’s about effort, good communication, and feeling connected even in tough times.

While every relationship faces its own unique ups and downs, some couples find themselves in a place where the challenges seem to outweigh the good moments. You may feel stuck in a cycle of hurt and defensiveness, where every attempt at communication only seems to add to the distance. And, without guidance, it’s hard to know how to break that cycle.

The good news is, you don’t have to navigate these challenges alone. Couples counselling offers a safe space to reconnect, understand each other’s perspectives, and start rebuilding your bond. With guidance, support, and practical tools, you can move past the frustration and hurt, transforming your relationship into one that feels strong and fulfilling again.

 In spite of how helpful it can be, often couples hesitate to try evidence based couples counselling. 

Here are some facts:

  • 31% of couples take a premarital relationship education program.
  • Only 19% of couples actually seek out some form of couples therapy and only 37% of divorced couples worked with a professional prior to signing the papers.
  • The average couple waits six years before seeking professional help for marital problems.

There are many reasons that couples don’t attend therapy.  Sometimes it’s out of concern about feeling judged or blamed. Others may feel nervous about opening up, worry that change might be challenging, or think they ‘should’ be able to handle things alone. At times practical obstacles like cost or finding a convenient time can add to the hesitation. We’re here to answer any questions you may have about couples therapy, either on this page or during a new client call, so you can feel confident in the support and benefits it can offer.

 

marriage couples counselling in Halifax Bedford, Nova Scotia

But can couples counselling really help me?

Yes! There is good reason to believe that couples counselling can help you. Seeking help is a powerful step toward reconnecting with each other in a meaningful way. In couples counselling, you’ll learn how to communicate in ways that build understanding rather than defensiveness. You’ll gain tools to work through hurt feelings, resentment, and frustrations, allowing you to address those deeper issues that have kept you both feeling disconnected.

Counselling is a space for both of you to share your feelings without fear of judgment, to rebuild trust, and to reestablish a foundation of respect and empathy. With the right support, you can break free from patterns that have held you back and instead create patterns that strengthen your connection. Couples counselling can help you rekindle the love and respect you both desire, transforming your relationship into a source of strength, comfort, and mutual support.

We use an approach called Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT). It’s been well researched for more than 20 years and a leading therapy for couples work. Approximately 9 out of 10 couples will experience significant improvement in their relationship and 70-75% experience relationship recovery (meaning re establishing a healthy, connected, strong relationship).

 

What to Expect in EFT Couples Therapy Sessions

In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples, sessions are structured to help partners understand and respond to each other’s emotional needs, fostering deeper emotional bonds. Developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, EFT focuses on the emotional connection between partners and is particularly effective in improving communication, reducing conflict, and increasing intimacy. Here’s a look at what typically happens in EFT couples therapy sessions:

1. Assessment and Establishing a Safe Environment

  • In the initial sessions, the therapist assesses the relationship’s history, dynamics, and attachment patterns to understand each partner’s perspective. This phase is about establishing trust, helping each partner feel safe, and creating a non-judgmental space where they can openly share their emotions and needs. It’s important for each of you to feel hear, seen and understood by your therapist so that you can trust the process. 

2. Identifying Negative Interaction Patterns

  • Couples often find themselves in repetitive cycles of conflict, where they may react defensively, withdraw, or criticize. The therapist helps the couple recognize these patterns, often referred to as “negative cycles.” Identifying these negative cycles is the first step in disrupting them. If you can each begin to recognize the things that you do (even if they’re done for good reasons or with the best of intentions) that contribute to the negative cycle and understand the impact that that it has on your partner, it will go a long way to slowing down or disrupting the negatice cycle.

3. Understanding Underlying Emotions and Needs

  • Underneath reactions like anger, frustration, or withdrawal are often deeper emotions such as fear, sadness, or feelings of inadequacy. EFT works to help each partner understand and articulate these vulnerable emotions, revealing attachment needs like feeling valued, secure, or loved. One of the fundamental beliefs in EFT couples therapy is that all behaviours make sense when they are looked at through the lense of attachment.  That doesn’t mean that these behaviours should continue but rather that once new meaning can be made of these actions and people are able to aks for their needs to be met in a more clear way it becomes more possible for the other partner to meet them.

4. Reframing the Problem as the “Negative Cycle”

  • The therapist encourages partners to see the negative cycle, rather than each other, as the problem. This reframing helps each partner move from a defensive or accusatory stance to a collaborative one. Instead of seeing each other as adversaries, they begin to view the negative cycle as something they can work together to change. 

5. Building Empathy and Emotional Responsiveness

  • Once each partner understands their own and each other’s underlying emotions and attachment needs, they practice expressing these in a way that invites empathy and compassion. The therapist facilitates this communication, helping each partner respond with understanding and validation, rather than defensiveness or criticism. In EFT Couples Therapy we do this through the use of ‘enactments‘.  This is a therapeutic technique where the therapist encourages one partner to express their feelings, needs, or vulnerabilities directly to the other partner. The goal is to deepen emotional connection by allowing each partner to speak openly from a place of vulnerability, creating moments of authentic, emotionally focused communication.

6. Creating New, Positive Patterns of Interaction

  • As partners become more open and responsive to each other’s emotional needs, they start creating new patterns of interaction. Instead of falling into the old cycles of hurt and disconnection, they develop healthier, more secure ways of relating. These new interactions often lead to greater intimacy, trust, and a feeling of “emotional safety” within the relationship. These interactions are experientially practiced in session and with practice and repetition it becomes easier for the couple to do this togther between sessions.

7. Consolidating and Maintaining Changes

  • In the final phase, the therapist helps the couple consolidate what they’ve learned and practice the new patterns outside of therapy. They learn strategies to maintain this new connection, preparing them for future challenges and reinforcing the emotional resilience they’ve built together.

The EFT Session Experience

Throughout EFT sessions, the therapist serves as a guide, helping couples navigate difficult emotions and stay present with each other in the moment. Couples often report feeling closer, more understood, and more in tune with each other after EFT, even when they start off feeling distant or stuck in conflict. This approach is especially powerful because it doesn’t just address surface-level issues; it goes deeper, helping couples connect in a more meaningful, lasting way.

EFT is about building a bond that feels secure and fulfilling, giving couples tools to understand each other on an emotional level and form a stronger, more resilient partnership.

Benefits of Couples Therapy

Better Communication

Increased Trust

Feel Closer Emotionally

Learn How to Ask For Your Needs to be Met

Heal from Hurts of the Past

Improved Physical Intimacy

How Long Does It Take?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples is generally a short- to mid-term therapy model.  In the research couples have attended about 20 sessions to see meaningful changes. However, the exact duration depends on the couple’s unique needs, goals, and the complexity of their issues. 

Factors Affecting Therapy Length

Several factors can influence the length of EFT couples therapy:

  • Complexity of Issues: Serious issues, like infidelity, trauma, or chronic conflict, may require additional sessions.
  • Level of Commitment: The more engaged and committed both partners are to the process, the more efficiently progress is typically made.
  • Emotional Awareness: Couples who are open and willing to explore their emotions can often move through the stages of EFT more smoothly, potentially reducing the time needed.

Long-Term Goals and Maintenance

Some couples benefit from occasional “maintenance” sessions after completing EFT to help solidify changes and prevent falling back into negative cycles. These check-ins can help couples sustain progress and reinforce healthier patterns over the long term.

Overall, EFT is designed to provide couples with lasting tools and insights, helping them build a secure, resilient connection within a relatively manageable timeframe.

Is Therapy Confidential?

Confidentiality is a cornerstone of therapy, allowing clients to feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings openly. However, there are a few exceptions to confidentiality that therapists are legally and ethically bound to follow. Here’s an overview:

When Therapy is Confidential

  • Personal and Relationship Issues: All topics discussed in individual or couples sessions remain confidential, including sensitive or personal topics like conflicts, vulnerabilities, and emotional challenges.

Exceptions to Confidentiality

In certain situations, therapists are required to break confidentiality for legal or safety reasons:

  1. Risk of Harm to Self or Others: If someone is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others, the therapist may need to notify relevant authorities or family members to ensure safety.
  2. Suspected Abuse or Neglect: Therapists must report cases of suspected abuse or neglect of a child, elder, or dependent adult.
  3. Court Orders: In rare cases, therapists may be required to provide information if ordered by a court, though they usually make every effort to protect client privacy.

Confidentiality in Couples Therapy

In EFT couples therapy, we tell our clients about our  “no-secrets policy,” meaning if one partner shares something privately with the therapist outside of joint sessions, the therapist will help the partner to disclose it in joint sessions if it affects the work being done. This helps maintain openness and fairness in therapy.

What Kind of Issues Can We Address?

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is effective for addressing a wide range of relationship issues by focusing on deepening emotional bonds and improving communication patterns. Here are some common issues that couples can work through in EFT:

1. Communication Difficulties

  • EFT helps partners understand each other’s needs and emotions more clearly, breaking down barriers in communication. Couples learn to communicate in a way that fosters empathy and reduces misunderstandings.

2. Conflict Resolution

  • Many couples find themselves in repetitive, unresolved conflicts. EFT helps them identify the underlying emotional triggers behind these conflicts, allowing them to approach disagreements from a place of understanding rather than defensiveness.

3. Emotional Disconnection

  • When couples feel distant or disconnected, EFT focuses on rebuilding emotional intimacy. This can help partners reconnect, rediscover each other, and restore the sense of closeness that may have faded over time.

4. Infidelity and Trust Issues

  • Rebuilding trust after an affair or betrayal can be challenging. EFT helps partners address the pain and insecurities stemming from infidelity, providing tools to rebuild a foundation of trust, security, and commitment.

5. Attachment and Security Concerns

  • Attachment insecurities, like fear of abandonment or feeling unworthy of love, often impact relationships. EFT helps partners understand and support each other’s attachment needs, creating a safer, more secure bond.

6. Trauma Recovery

  • Trauma, whether from the relationship or past experiences, can create emotional barriers. EFT offers a supportive environment for couples to process trauma together, learning to become a source of comfort and safety for each other.

7. Intimacy and Physical Connection

  • Emotional and physical intimacy are often closely linked. EFT can help couples explore the emotional roots of challenges around intimacy, making it easier to rebuild physical closeness as emotional connection improves.

8. Parenting and Life Transitions

  • Major life changes, such as becoming parents, moving, or career shifts, can place stress on a relationship. EFT provides tools to navigate these changes, helping partners feel like a team and manage stress together.

9. Anxiety, Depression, and Emotional Health Issues

  • Mental health challenges can impact relationships by creating strain or misunderstandings. EFT helps couples address the impact of these challenges and create a supportive environment for each other’s well-being.

10. Negative Cycles and Patterns of Interaction

  • Many couples fall into cycles of blame, withdrawal, or defensiveness that harm the relationship. EFT helps identify and change these patterns, encouraging healthier, more positive ways of interacting.

11. Improving Overall Relationship Satisfaction

  • Even couples with relatively stable relationships may want to deepen their bond, prevent future issues, or simply improve their overall satisfaction. EFT provides valuable skills for maintaining a healthy, emotionally secure relationship.

Through EFT, couples can strengthen their bond, create emotional resilience, and gain tools for maintaining a strong, secure relationship well into the future.

What Happens If We Argue in Session?

If you argue during an EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) session, it’s actually okay and can even be productive. EFT therapists expect heightened emotions and disagreements, and they’re trained to handle them constructively. Arguing can provide valuable insight into the issues you’re facing as a couple and how each of you reacts emotionally in conflict. Here’s how it’s typically managed in EFT sessions:

1. The Therapist Creates a Safe Space

  • The therapist will work to keep the space feeling safe and respectful, even if the emotions run high. They might step in to pause or slow down the conversation to help each partner focus on listening and understanding rather than reacting defensively. The therapist won’t let the conversation get too heated. 

2. Identifying the Emotional Triggers

  • Rather than focusing on the surface-level issue of the argument, the therapist helps you both explore the deeper emotions and triggers involved. They may ask questions like, “What are you feeling right now?” or “What’s coming up for you when your partner says that?” This helps you both connect with and express vulnerable emotions that often lie beneath the anger.

3. De-escalating the Conflict

  • The therapist will guide you both to step back from the argument by helping you recognize your shared “negative cycle.” This cycle, rather than either partner, is seen as the problem. By identifying the cycle, you can both start to see the conflict as something you can work against together, rather than working against each other.

4. Reframing Hurtful Words or Actions

  • If something hurtful is said, the therapist may help reframe or clarify these statements so each partner can hear the underlying emotion or need. For example, instead of “You never listen to me,” they might help reframe it as, “I feel alone when it seems like I’m not being heard.” This promotes empathy and softens the conversation.

5. Practicing New Patterns of Communication

  • EFT is about building new, healthy patterns of interaction. In moments of tension, the therapist might guide you in trying out more constructive ways of expressing your needs and vulnerabilities, allowing you to experience what it’s like to move past conflict together.

6. Learning to Manage Conflict Together

  • Arguing in session allows you both to see, in real time, how to handle conflict more effectively. By working through it with the therapist’s support, you gain skills to manage future conflicts in a more connected and less reactive way.

In short, arguing in EFT is a natural part of the process and can be an opportunity for growth. The therapist’s role is to help you turn the conflict into a moment of understanding and closeness, giving you tools to de-escalate arguments and connect more deeply, even in tough moments.

What If We Decide to End the Relationship?

This does happen on occasion.  As therapists we don’t see it as our role to tell you if you should stay or leave a relationship.  We trust that you are the expert of you life and your decisions.  After years of clinical experience working with couples, we know that deciding to end a relationship is a significant and often emotional choice. If couples reach this decision while in therapy, the process is handled with care and sensitivity by the therapist. Here’s how EFT addresses this situation:

1. Facilitating Open Dialogue

  • The therapist will encourage both partners to openly discuss their feelings about the relationship and the reasons behind the decision to separate. This dialogue can help both partners gain clarity on their emotions and experiences, making it a more thoughtful and intentional decision.

2. Understanding Emotional Needs

  • EFT focuses on emotional connection, so the therapist will work to ensure that each partner understands their emotional needs and how those needs have or have not been met within the relationship. This understanding can provide closure and help both partners articulate their feelings.

3. Processing the Decision

  • Ending a relationship can bring up a range of emotions, including grief, sadness, and relief. The therapist will support both partners in processing these feelings, helping them navigate the complex emotions that arise from the decision to part ways.

4. Exploring Future Steps

  • The therapist may guide the couple in discussing what the next steps will be after the decision to separate. This includes practical matters, such as living arrangements, financial considerations, and how to handle mutual responsibilities, especially if there are children involved.

5. Respecting Individual and Shared Experiences

  • The therapist emphasizes the importance of respecting both partners’ experiences in the relationship. This helps each partner to feel heard and validated, which is crucial for emotional healing.

6. Focusing on Personal Growth

  • Even if the relationship ends, the therapy can still be beneficial. The therapist may encourage both partners to reflect on what they learned about themselves and their relational patterns during the therapy process, aiding personal growth and future relationship success.

7. Encouraging Healthy Closure

  • The therapist can help facilitate a healthy closure to the relationship, allowing both partners to express their feelings of gratitude, regret, or hope for the future. This can help both individuals feel more at peace with their decision.

8. Support for the Transition

  • The therapist may recommend individual therapy for one or both partners to provide additional support during the transition. This can help each person process their emotions and adapt to life after the relationship.

Ending a relationship is a significant decision, and EFT provides a supportive framework for couples to navigate this transition thoughtfully and respectfully. The therapist’s goal is to ensure that both partners leave the therapy process with a sense of closure, understanding, and emotional well-being, regardless of the outcome.

Therapists Who Offer

Couples Counselling

Deborah Hubble Smith M.C., RCT-C

Deborah Hubble Smith M.C., RCT-C

Registered Counselling Therapist Candidate

About Me

How Do I Get Started?

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